Death by Overworry
I am the kind of person that lies awake all night worrying about things. Things in my control, things outside of my control. What if I had done this one thing differently 10 years ago, how would my life be better or worse than it is today?
I worry about money. I worry about relationships. I can't stand the thought of those I care about be angry with me. I feel the need to make everything within my sphere of influence right. And if not right, at least placated. My persona thrives on conflict, but truthfully I can't take it when it involves me personally.
Did I have one to many drinks (or whatever), and knocked a screw loose and be forever "not quite right"? Did the doctors permanently fry my brain with Ritalin when I was younger?
I can't stand the feeling where everything looks "like a copy of a copy of a copy" or like I'm watching life go past me at fast forward through a rusty screen door, occasionally slamming in the wind.
Did I blow the opportunities I've been given? Did I sell myself out for money, giving up a career that I had my mind set on since I was 10 years old? Did I forever blow my opportunity to do it again?
I can't get out of my own way sometimes. I wish the last year had never happened. I let a lot of people down. I let myself down. People said I couldn't hack it, and it galls me that, without knowing the full story, that they think I've proved them correct.
I can't stand that I get this manic. Who's going to change it though?, who's going to take responsibilty if not me? It has to be me. It's got to end. I'm making it end. It's time to grow the fuck up.
I worry about money. I worry about relationships. I can't stand the thought of those I care about be angry with me. I feel the need to make everything within my sphere of influence right. And if not right, at least placated. My persona thrives on conflict, but truthfully I can't take it when it involves me personally.
Did I have one to many drinks (or whatever), and knocked a screw loose and be forever "not quite right"? Did the doctors permanently fry my brain with Ritalin when I was younger?
I can't stand the feeling where everything looks "like a copy of a copy of a copy" or like I'm watching life go past me at fast forward through a rusty screen door, occasionally slamming in the wind.
Did I blow the opportunities I've been given? Did I sell myself out for money, giving up a career that I had my mind set on since I was 10 years old? Did I forever blow my opportunity to do it again?
I can't get out of my own way sometimes. I wish the last year had never happened. I let a lot of people down. I let myself down. People said I couldn't hack it, and it galls me that, without knowing the full story, that they think I've proved them correct.
I can't stand that I get this manic. Who's going to change it though?, who's going to take responsibilty if not me? It has to be me. It's got to end. I'm making it end. It's time to grow the fuck up.
posted by Doug MacGunnigle at 10/30/2006 11:46:00 PM
3 Comments:
Welcome to adulthood. Did you know that in a Cosmo survey (cosmo.com) more than half of the respondants between 25-35 admitted that they were faking either their job or their life. They were also worried that someone would uncover it. It means: No one has a clue. How funny is that?
Being this aware of where you stand with yourself and others makes you more of a man than you may realize. Keep plugging away. We've got a lot of work ahead, but there's still a lot of fun to be had along the way.
If you didn't worry and think and wonder and ponder ... you wouldn't be human. Just think: every moment in your life has brought you to the next moment, and the next and the next, right up to this moment. Good, bad or indifferent - at least you are here, which beats the hell out of the alternative. ;) I'm glad you're here.
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